I have been meaning to write this blog for a while now, but time just hasnt been my friend. It is 4:45am in Honduras and I am up, so here it goes.
It is no secret that actions speak louder than words. Therefore, what you say does not really have much value when your doing the complete opposite. The other day I was speaking to one of my male friends about people and their expectations. He told me that he doesnt understand why girls get so attached. He said "I tell them what I want and what I can offer to them but they always end up trying to change things." I totally understood where he was coming from. If you tell someone what your expectations are and you set your ground rules then there shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. So, I asked him "what are you doing with these girls that leads them onto thinking you want something else?" and ofcourse he said "Nothing. I am just nice to them." At this point, I couldnt help but wonder what "nice" meant. After all, a lot of guys are nice to me and I am not falling head over heels for them.
Male Definition of "Nice": Talk to them on the regular (constant texts, or other forms of communication), constantly taking her out and picking up the check, long talks aka phone boning or boo loving, planning trips together etc.
When I first heard this explanation I immediately realized the problem. We clearly have a problem of miscommunication. Let me break it down for you. The relationship you have with someone is not defined with what you say, it is defined by what you do (unless you are his side piece, in that case is over for you. He is not leaving his wife, gf, main chick for you, give it up). Now, what I am going to say applied to both men and women because we are human beings and some things are beyond our control, but I will talk about the ladies, it is what I am, and what I know.
First, "Talking on the regular". If you talk to someone everyday, all day, inevitably the person will develop some type of expectation. Time is money, and if you investing your time in someone, they will eventually think that you are interested in them. This one is a lil harmless if is done in moderation, but when you do it excessively, I cant blame the girls for thinking you might want more (I am not defining what more is, it can be a relationship or sex, your pick).
Second, "Constantly taking her out and picking up the check". I understand if you are a gentleman and your momma taught you to always pay for the ladies, but to avoid misunderstandings you shouldn't be picking up the check every time you taking your friend out. At some point she should be picking up the check or getting separate bills. If you continue to pick up the check she has the right to think you may want something more. We all know, nothing in life is Free.
Third, "Long talks on the phone, or boo loving". Maybe you have alot to say, and enjoying having someone on the other end listening to your every word. Maybe you like to engage in friendly debates with the opposite gender. But if you are doing this between the hours of 11pm and 5am this is considered boo loving or phone boning (hey I didnt make the rules, I am just telling you about them). Again time is money and sleep is of the essence. If you are sacrificing your sleep to spend time with your lady friend, just to hear her vent about her day, she has the right to think you might want more.
Fourth, "Planning trips together". Unless you both decided to go away to a place where you can both WIN with different people, a girl has the right to think you want more. Specially if you are already getting the pum. Why the extra mile if you just want to be friends? Even if you say, you want nothing more than someone to keep your man downstairs company, why are you going out your way? This are the type of questions the ladies ask themselves, and they come to the conclusion that you want more.
Now ladies, just because you think he wants more it doesnt mean he wants the same thing you want. However, I can see the confusion and how you can both misunderstand and be misunderstood. Ladies also remember that you cannot change men. They wont do anything until they are ready, so even if he wants more, it has to happen on his time, not yours. Fellas I know you think shorty is clingy but maybe you are just leading her on. I am not telling you to be a jerk, but you might want to revise your definition of "nice" #amjustsaying.
Ladies do you agree or am I making this up? Fellas what do you have to say on your defense?
2 comments:
I would have to disagree with this post. I think it's not that guys are misleading the women, it's that we are nurturing beings and love to read between the lines even when there is nothing to read. Men are very straightforward and very honest when they say things. But in our minds we like to think otherwise and try to "fix the problem" when in reality there is nothing to fix.
For example, when a men says he doesn't want a serious relationship and just wants to have fun, he means just that. But as women like to think what he's really saying is that he's had bad realtionships and wants to take it slow, so we try to "change their minds" When in reality, men are just not going to budge and will leave you for not listening. Take it for what it is whenever a man says something.
I honestly don't think people should put too much thought when someone invites someone out to eat, speaks to them regularly and takes trips together. Some people go through hardships in life and it gets hard for them to trust in someone. So when they find someone to trust in, theyu tend to stick to that person. Speaking to them regularly, hanging out and taking trips do happen. Feelings may develop, but just as quick as they come, they disappear. Guys shouldn't stop being chivalrous just because women develop feelings, guys have to be upfront that this is a friendship and women have to learn to stop there and take it for what it is.
People just need to communicate better and listen, not just hear what is being said, but LISTEN and there wouldn't be so much confusion in the world..
Interesting, I think the older I get the more I agree with you. It is unfortunate we dont live in an utopian world where people do not spend so much time interpreting and reading between the lines. I do not think it right that people are misinterpreted but I do see where I comes from.
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