The Curse of "The Single Friend"

Sorry for taking so long to update the blog lovies, but I have been busy taking over the world.  A couple of updates: I have been studying to take the LSAT (Dec. 3^rd), planning to attend law school sooner rather than later. The rest of my life is going awesome! I am starting a new job and am in love with the most amazing male friend ever! I am super blessed!

Now let’s get down to business…

As a new member of the relationship club, I realized I can no longer have single friends. Actually let me rephrase that, I have to re-evaluate the dynamics of my relationship with my single friends. Let me clarify some things before I go on. I have been “The Single Friend (TSF)” and while I respect my friends and their relationships I felt somewhat left out when they got a boo. Was I jealous? Maybe. Is it kind of hard to be 100% happy for someone when your personal life is in shambles #iamjustsaying. But I stood by them, I listened when they needed to vent and took them out when they needed to clear their mind. Might have even gave the wrong advice a couple times (actually am sure I gave the wrong advice a lot of times lol). But I meant no harmJ. However, it wasn’t my place to cater to their needs during those rough times, mainly because I was single. I did not understand what they were going through. Yes, I have been in relationships before, but I was looking at life a lot differently when I was single. So here are my top 3 things you might have to reconsider.

#3 - You are not single

You are not single, so you do not need to be out and about with your single friends acting like you don’t have a significant other. Yes you can look, but if you are in a relationship, you should only have eyes for your boo, right? Lol for the sake of argument let’s just say yes. You shouldn’t be clubbing every weekend either. Maybe you really love to dance, and have a great time with your friends, but do you have to be on every photo gallery at the 7days7nights website?  Especially if you a guy, I know yall go to clubs to look for women, so once you have a GF you have NO business going clubbing without her.

#2– Be Discrete

You can’t tell TSF all your business. You shouldn’t be doing this anyways, but especially not with your single friend. Your relationship should not be everyone’s business. Last time I checked relationships are only between 2 people not 2 people and their friends and family. Needless to say, if you care about someone, you will respect their business and privacy. Then you wonder why TSF is fcking your boo? Its your fault! Should have kept your mouth shut.

#1-They Single

This might be obvious to most, but not to all. If you are sick would you go to a mechanic to find out what’s wrong? Not unless you a car. Single people can and will only give you single people advice, why? Because they are single. They don’t have the same priorities you have. When you having relationship problems, you should go to the person you are in a relationship with. Now if you need to vent, you may go to TSF but chances are they don’t really give a f***. They will listen but I wouldn’t take their advice and follow suit.

I know most people like to live vicariously through their single friends. The key word is vicariously. Especially married people. There is nothing cute about you acting like you single when someone put a ring on it! You signed the contract now adhere to the rules.

I am sure you all have a few more things to add to this list! Share your thoughts and comments! 

Forgiveness = Peace of Mind

Have you ever stopped and thought about all the people that have hurt you? Intentionally or unintentionally? Have you ever wondered how much those experiences have influenced your behavior, and your life?

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and more times than less we don't know or understand the reason until after things have happened. I am what people call an internalizer. I have a really tough time letting go grudges and coping with emotional pain. As I work harder on my relationship with God I have learned about the importance of forgiveness. The only person who is affected by holding on to emotional baggage is you. While others are living their lives not thinking about the situation and moving forward, you find yourself hurting and frustrated because you cannot make things better. Why should you let someone else's behavior destroy your own peace of mind. I am not saying forgiveness is easy, quite frankly is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. But at the same time it has been the most liberating. 

Forgiveness is not for the people who hurt you, is for yourself. Once you let go of the baggage you can move forward with your life and see why things had to go down the way they did. I know is not easy but you will feel a lot better once you forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean going back to the same situation that caused you all the pain to begin with, no. Forgiveness calls for us to cleanse our hearts and souls of unnecessary baggage in order to successfully move forward. The lord calls on his children to treat people as he treats us. God forgives us everyday for everything we do,  who are we to not do the same. 

I welcome you to forgive someone who  has done you wrong. If you truly forgive them and let go of the negativity you will feel 100% better and will see progress in your life. We live in a world full of negative energy, which continuously holds us back from achieving our true potential. I encourage you to to move forward with a clean heart and you will find yourself closer to happiness. Real happiness and real peace of mind. 

F&#% you am not sharing my #.

You know what really grinds my gears? The stupid number debate. I was minding my business in twitterville as usual when ran into exhibit A: Womens Number. I would like to think this is an extreme and ofcourse incorrect depiction of the meaning of the magic number. I am probably wrong though, there are some men who truly think this is true.

In my opinion this is stupid. Yes it is. First of all, there are other qualities that make someone a good wife, or gf or significant other. You cannot make this decision based only on a number. You do not know her background, unless she told you she is a prostitute her numbers alone don't make her one.

Secondly, there are several exceptions to these foolish rules.  What if Ms. D is a virgin, but has engaged in oral sex with several males lets say 10 is she still excellent? What if Ms. D has slept with 3 guys at the same time or who are all friends, or from the same fraternity or chapter, is she still very good? What if Ms. D was rapped and as a result she has developed a sexual addiction and has a 12, is she still dirty?

Thirdly, it appears that every time a female shares her number there is some elaborate equation of the percentage that should be added onto that number because allegedly they never give their real number. So, riddle me this, if you as a man already think a female is going to lie about her number why do you even ask? No one is asking you for your number. This crap really angers me. These are the reason why I dont share my number, no matter how small it is. Because either way men are not happy. I have been told that yall (men) do not want to think about another man smaging your gf or wife but unless you are her *first everything* someone been there and done that. GET OVER IT.

The funny thing about this number debate, is that men who stress this whole number thing usually end up with women with high numbers and dont even know it or learn to see past this bull. LMAOOO @ you foolish nuccas!

Thats all for now! Share your thoughts and thank you for reading!

Double Standards: Why They Can't be Ignored.

Today I read a post by one of my favorite bloggers @DrJayJack titled Your Twat Has Lost All Its Value. My initial instinct was to pull my feminist card and deconstruct the whole article, however as I thought of a clever way to do that I realized..."this man is saying some real shyt". Nothing like a male writer to let us in the mind of the male specie. And just like that without knowing @Drjayjack inspired this post.


So lets get to it.
As I approach my mid twenties I realized a lot has changed in my life, all for the better. During the early years of my college career, I was one of those girls constantly fighting the useless battle against the beloved Double Standards(DS). I couldn't understand why men where allowed to judge women based on their sexuality and level of promiscuity (I still don't get it, but that's another post). Nevertheless, as I have gotten older, I have accepted the fact that the Double Standard(DS) is real and cannot be ignored. So ladies if you want to marry a man who supports the DS, I suggest you get with the program. As a woman you might think you do not have to care about the DS but if the men you are attracted to and see as potential partners are believers of the DS, you might have to re-evaluate your stance on the issue.

Top 3 Reasons Why You Can't Ignore the Double Standard

#1 I've heard and maybe at some point argued that am too independent for this DS shyt. Yet, as I look back at the struggle of the phenomenal women, who have made it possible for me to be independent, I doubt that their idea of gender equality was defined by a woman's sexuality and or body count. Nor do I think that claiming DS as a struggle honors their hard work.

#2 What we failed to realize ladies, is that we all secretly love the DS, we just call it Chivalry. We like it when a man opens the door, when he invests time, when he picks up the check, when we are wined and dinned. So even though we are proud to be independent...some still expect Tyrone to pick up the check and treat us like queens (At the very least, it would be nice). It seems to me our society has created a struggle between independence and tradition...and everyone is confused in the head about their roles.

#3 For a long time I was convinced that I could think like a man. Until I realized that this was impossible because I do not have a penis. Our society's definition of independence is intertwined with a sense competition. Whether it is in sports, the labor force or even heading the household women have been conditioned to believe that they have to be better than men, yep "anything he can do we can do better." This inevitable competition between sexes has caused a unbalance in the stability of gender roles. In my opinion there are too many women trying to be men and in doing that they forget their place. Allow me to enlighten you. From the women' prospective the DS is merely sexual, but my question is this, as future wives, caretakers and matriarchs do we really want to do the same things men do? How is ignoring the DS bringing us closer to finding a future husband? Let us not forget that there is a reason we are different from one another with the purpose of complementing each-other. After all if you a woman of God how can you refute his teachings. The Word says wives be submitted to your husband (via @DaExec) but since most of us aren't married yet we wont go there.

Understand this, you can't control what people think as wrong and twisted as those thoughts might be. If a guy knows what he wants in his fair lady, DS or not if you do not meet the requirements he would not put a ring on it. You can try to change him all you want, make as many excuses as you wish, and stick around for years if it makes you happy, but he will not marry you. I know many couples that have been married for over 30 years and are products of the DS. Granted those times were different, but gender roles were clear as day. To those successful couple the DS was not a struggle it was a way of life. Women asked for gentlemen and men asked for ladies. The high level of comfortability we enjoy during this day and age, has led to a level of loss of self respect. Ladies remember that no matter how independent we are, when it comes to marriage you can't fully dish-out tradition. You will always be a woman and treated different than a man because we are different. Please know and understand your place. Same applies to men.

We are always complaining about the lack of good men and women out there, yet we should be looking in the mirror to see if we are worthy of one to begin with. Share your thoughts! Are there men who don't believe in Double Standards?

Top 3 things you shouldn't do or you might end up single!

Today I had a long conversation with one of my male friends which led me to write this post. I truly hope to shed some light on this issue or better yet get some feedback. So lets get started.

Ladies, we have all been there. The three-month syndrome is over and now we are super comfortable. We have surpassed that unrealistic period of time when we have to be perfect and now we can truly be ourselves. Although this is perfectly normal there are a few things you should never stop doing or you will end up single!

1. Looking good. This man fell for you because you stood out from the crowd. Because that outfit hugged your curves beautifully and you wore the shyt out of those pumps. He was in awe by your beauty and your ability to look together. If you suddenly decide that you want to change that, you risk being single. If you stop doing your hair, nails, and looking fly, you will stop being the woman he fell for in the first place. (This goes both ways by the way) So make sure you keep your sexy, no one wants to be seen with a chick or guy who looks a mess.

2. Cook. Ladies if you were cooking before the relationship, this is no time for you to stop. Specially if cooking is one of the things that put you in the relationship to begin with. I am not telling you to live in the kitchen, but you should still be reminding him of what differentiates you from the rest, specially if you good at it.

3. Giving head. Yep I went there. Why would you even do that to yourself? Dont you know that what you don't give him someone else will? That's the fastest way to singleville or at least to him cheating. Either way just not a good look. In any case, we grown, who doesn't give head to their partner these days? This is not high-school.

These are my top 3, but am sure there a lot more things that can be added to the list. Tell me if you feel me and share your thoughts! Ladies what can men do that will lead you to give them the boot?

How can we learn how to speak Martian?

I been gone for a minute but now am back with the jump off... Happy New Years and all that my friends, took a break to enjoy life but in the words of Diddy lets turn the piano up!

What is the deal with women and advice?

Since birth women have been sold bullshyt fairy-tale stories about men, and love. Stories such as Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Rapunzel and our recent the Princess and the Frog perpetuate this false and delusional idea of love when it comes to men. Instead of preparing us for the harsh reality that comes along with love in terms of men, we find ourselves facing a rude awakening as we wait for our alleged “prince charming”. We are never told that 99.9% of the time men really are only interested in our bodies, and then as a result they eventually notice your personality. Or that they will feed you a bunch of lies to get what they want from you, and once they have it they will kick you to the curve. Or that they will invest time, money, and resources on you and when you bring up the “R” word they will make up a billion excuses to justify why they are not ready to take that step; when in reality they just don’t want to take that step with YOU but since you are around he will string you along until he finds something better to move on to and simply waste your time. Or that you will get your heartbroken and at that point you better off moving the fck along because if you stick around he would do it again. Or that he will lead you on, and play house with you and you wont be allowed to complain because he told you “I am not looking for a R” even though he has done everything a boyfriend does. No my friends thes fairy-tales do not tell you any of this REALISTIC and NECESSARY information.

So what do women do?

In light of our lack of preparation, we turn to our lovely female friends for advice. Why?

First, they know you. If they are your friends, they have been around you long enough from the first time you got a guys number/aim/fb/twitter/bbm to the night you needed a shoulder to cry on while you played your “breakup playlist” and bashed all men kind.

Second, they know what you are going through. Someone once said “Don’t give your heart to someone unless their own heart has been broken.” This makes perfect sense, people can’t appreciate something if they do not know its worth. Your female friends, has been through it and just like you, she has needed a night of comfort and naturally can truly understand and feel your pain.

Third, they know somebody who was in a situation just like yours and now lives happily ever after. Lets face it “He is not that into you” had a great representation of this phenomenon. Friends, real friends hate to see their loved ones suffer and will try to cheer you up in any way possible. Once we see that the “Fck that ninja” approach doesn’t work, we move to the “I know someone who was talking to this guy......now they been happily married for x years” approach, as evidence to help your girl through this tough time. Maybe that is her prince charming or maybe he just another statistic and she should just keep it moving, but since you don’t know that, all you can do is show her the options.

Quickly, we realize that maybe our female friends do not have the best advice, mainly because they don’t have a penis. After all if women are from Venus and men are from Mars, you need to speak to martians to understand their language. So we turn to our male friends for advice.

I have learned that unless their gay, 99.9% of the time, most men have the same views when it comes to things . So it is very safe to say that their advice tends to be very accurate when it comes to other men. When they give you the advice, you still have the option of doing what you want, and in most cases.....what you want to do is listen to your female friend for the reasons mentioned above. In here lies the problem. So just stop doing that right now, it will save you a lot of tears, and a lot of time.

I am not trying to male bash here but, yall do have to admit yall send some weird signals that lead to a huge gap between what you say and what you do. The one thing most women do the most, is over analyze shyt, even if they know their conclusion will be WRONG 100% of the time. This usually happens when we do not understand why "you" do things, which is 100% of the time. So we turn to our handy dandy female friends to try to figure shyt out after all two minds think better than one right? Wrong. We should be turning to that ninja and ask him to explain the shyt to us, and if he can’t do that, ladies pack your bags and leave because chances are he knows exactly what he wants and you are not the candidate he wants to put in that position.

Please share your thoughts! Ladies, whose advice do you take and why? As women how we prepare ourselves for men and love? Fellas, what advice do you have?